omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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