I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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