This is not my ceiling
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
third nipple confirmed
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
