Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
