So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
