How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm always down for nudity.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
