is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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