Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
