I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
