I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
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i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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