I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
