i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
