I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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