i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
