What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
