Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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