I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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