I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My ass is underappreciated
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
