can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
