Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
