I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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