I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
