I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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