I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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