I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
