Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
