Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
