There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
