im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
