mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
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i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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