better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
