I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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