dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
