I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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