there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
