he shaved USA in his pubs
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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