If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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