My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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