i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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