i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
