I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
