saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
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woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
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That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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