So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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