halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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