he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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