Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
