Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
