I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
