dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
