I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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