I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
