Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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