He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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