dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Did I show you my penis last night?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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