fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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