I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
