The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
