I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
